


time marches on (without you)

by soyybeanboy



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (platonic) kisses, Campaign 1 (Critical Role), Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, or romantic i guess if you want to read it that way, spoilers for episode 44, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:00:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29278830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soyybeanboy/pseuds/soyybeanboy
Summary: Gilmore did a double-take in the vanity mirror in front of him, his makeshift room at Castle Whitestone reflected in the glass. The white walls, slightly weathered from the recent years of neglect, stood out starkly against the form of a familiar half-elf leaning against the door."Vax?"- - - - -Or: After facing down his worst fear and almost losing his sister, Vax doesn't know what he feels, and beyond that, he doesn't know who he can go to.Well, maybe there's one person. Gilmore's always been a good listener.
Relationships: Shaun Gilmore & Vax'ildan, Vax'ildan & Vex'ahlia (Critical Role)
Kudos: 16





	time marches on (without you)

**Author's Note:**

> When you feel absolutely terrible, just write your favorite character telling your other favorite character what you need to hear. That's my strategy, anyway. 
> 
> As always, call out typos if you find them! I edit myself, so I doubt it's perfect. This is my first time writing for Vax and Gilmore, and really my first time with C1 characters in general, so I hope I did them justice.
> 
> Enjoy <3

Gilmore did a double-take in the vanity mirror in front of him, his makeshift room at Castle Whitestone reflected in the glass. The white walls, slightly weathered from the recent years of neglect, stood out starkly against the form of a familiar half-elf leaning against the door.

“Vax?”

Vax looked up when he heard his name, the dim glow of the magical lights above glinting off of fresh tear tracks.

“Gil, I-I’m sorry, I just…”

“It’s all right,” Gilmore replied automatically, worry worming into his chest as he turned around to face Vax. His wounds protested the movement, but he pushed the pain away, his focus entirely consumed by the man in front of him. “Did something happen?”

Vax bit his shaking lower lip, choking back a sob. “I…” He couldn’t get another word out. Gilmore was at his side in an instant, catching him as his legs gave out and helping him down onto the floor. Without a thought Gilmore gathered Vax in his arms, holding him close.

“It’s alright,” He whispered, running his fingers through Vax’s long black hair. “You’re alright.”

He’d never felt so helpless before, sitting here with Vax in his arms and no idea what would help him. The half-elf shook with the effort of choking back his sobs, clinging to Gilmore’s silken shirt like a lifeline. This close to him now, Gilmore could make out the streaks of blood on Vax’s hands and face, the heavy bags and bruises under his eyes.

“You’re alright,” Gilmore whispered again, pressing a tender kiss to Vax’s temple. “I’m here. I’ll be here as long as you need me.”

“I-I’m sorry, Gil,” He managed, tilting his head so his hair hid his face. Shame pervaded every word, clear as day. “I’m sorry.”

Gilmore didn’t reply. Anything he could think to say, all the reassurances that sat on his tongue- he knew they were useless. Vax certainly didn’t need a lecture, and if all he needed was someone to be there, Gilmore was more than alright with that.

After a while, Gilmore felt Vax’s breathing even out ever so slightly, his whole body wracked with weak, exhausted tremors.

“I almost lost her.” He said. Gilmore almost hadn’t heard him, he was so quiet. “Vex. I saw her laying there, I-” He cut himself off with a whimper, sucking in as much of a breath as he could manage.

“Is she alright?” Gilmore asked. It was a challenge to keep the panic out of his own voice.

“Y-yes, she made it. _Barely.”_

Gilmore let out a sigh, relief flooding him. “Thank goodness. Vax…Gods, I’m so sorry.”

A tense moment of silence passed before Vax pulled away, his face twisted with grief. “It was too close. I-I don’t know what I would do if I lost her, Gil, and I…I can’t go to anyone else with this. Not her, I couldn’t…a-and the others…” he trailed off, his dusty gray eyes fixing themselves on anything but Gilmore’s. Tears still dripped down his face, grazing his jaw before falling with quiet _plops_ onto the wood beneath him.

“Vax…” Gilmore’s voice was quiet, as gentle as the hand he placed on Vax’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I…I understand.”

At that, Vax looked up, meeting Gilmore’s gaze for but a fraction of a second. “What do you mean?”

A familiar stomachache settled in Gilmore’s gut, grief and anxiety crawling back up his throat after so long in the dark. “It’s a long story that I don’t want to tell, but…trust me. I understand.”

Vax nodded. “I’m sorry, Gil.”

A sigh. “…You could lose her for good one day. I know you know that.”

Vax blinked a few times, screwing up his face and curling into himself, knees drawn to his chest. “I _can’t._ I can’t live without her.” His voice grew tighter with each word, barely retrained sobs threatening to escape.

“Look at me, Vax.” Gilmore drew closer, tucking a stray lock of hair behind Vax’s ear. The half-elf looked up, eyes overflowing with fear and pain. “You _can_. You don’t want to, and Hell, you shouldn’t have to, but you can.” Slowly and gently, giving Vax every opportunity to pull away, Gilmore pulled him into a tight embrace. Vax all but melted against him. “Things keep moving, even when you don’t want them to.”

“They _shouldn’t._ Not without her.”

A breathy, humorless laugh left Gilmore’s lips. “I know.” He took a long breath to compose himself, catching the scent of pine sap and fresh earth in Vax’s hair. There was a metallic tang to the air around him, too. It could have been the iron of his favorite daggers or the blood on his clothes, Gilmore wasn’t sure. Dropping his voice to the barest of whispers, he said, “Life goes on, even when it shouldn’t. And Gods, it hurts like nothing else to see the space where they should be stay empty. To say something you know would make them laugh and hear nothing, to-”

“To lose them all over again every goddamn day,” Vax finished.

Gilmore sighed, swallowing against the lump in his throat. “Yes.”

“It’s never been this painful before.” Vax said. “I…I always knew that there was a chance, but I never…it didn’t seem _real_. None of it’s _fun_ anymore. The risks, the battles, the adventures, none of it. Not now. Not when I know what it feels like.” Vax pulled away, keeping Gilmore’s hands held firmly in his own. “And I don’t want to feel it anymore, Gil. It’s too much for one stupid man to handle.”

“I know.” He said, biting down hard on the inside of his cheek. Vax’s face was tearstained and tense, but he couldn’t hold back all of the breaks in his demeanor. The way his lower lip quivered, how he held his jaw so tightly it must have been painful, the way he blinked rapidly in an attempt to hold any more stray tears at bay. “What if…we just feel it for tonight? Together. And when the sun comes up, we can go on like we always have.”

Vax went silent for a moment, considering. He was on the edge of overflowing, Gilmore knew, and if he could get him to let it out, just for one night…

“You’ll stay with me?” Vax asked, voice edged with…fear, almost. The inherent terror in accepting a helping hand, Gilmore supposed.

“Of course,” he replied. “If you’ll stay with me.”

Vax nodded, paused, and then nodded again, slowly unfolding himself and leaning against Gilmore’s shoulder. He felt a hand card into his hair and another rest at the small of his waist as Vax wrapped himself around him.

“It’s all bullshit,” Vax whispered, letting his eyes flutter shut. A tear rolled down his cheek. Then another, and another, until a sob broke past his lips, heartbroken and unrestrained. Gilmore pressed another kiss to his head, hoping it was enough to say everything he couldn’t.

And hours later when the sun rose, Vax stood, hugged Gilmore as tightly as he could, and walked away. Gilmore watched him go, drying tears he barely remembered shedding on the back of his wrist.

Time was passing, whether they liked it or not.


End file.
